Thursday, October 22, 2015

The incomplete guide to living in Modi's India (as defined by Hindutva apologists)

 All sentiments are equal, but some sentiments are more equal than others.

There was a time when Prime Minister Narendra Modi's arrival on the national stage was supposed usher in a new era of development and prosperity. That hasn't worked out so well. Instead, we've solidly pivoted from the promise of an economically progressive administration to one that is unapologetic about its cultural agenda. Rather than talking about the Congress' obstructionism on the Goods and Services Tax and the Land Acquisition law, we're now discussing cows.

Transitions are a difficult time. But as we turn from a sickular, beef-eating, cowardly, Nehru-Gandhi-loving communist collective into a proud, patriotic, advanced, culturally perfect Hindu Rashtra, it might be worthwhile putting together a quick how-to manual for those who (deplorably) failed to visit their local shakha on at least a weekly basis.

This list is always getting longer, so don't expect it to be exhaustive. But consider it a beginning on your path to blissful Bharatiya Janata Party-powered salvation.

*What you can eatNot beef. This holds true all through the year.
Not other meat. This holds true at specific times, primarily in Maharashtra, when you need to respect the sentiments of a specific minority.
No eggs. This only applies to government school children hoping to get nourishment from their mid-day meals.

*What you can listen toNot Ghulam Ali. Or any other Pakistani singer.

*How many generations of your family must live in the houseNo less than three. Or else, according to Union Culture Minister Mahesh Sharma, you aren't sticking to one of the tenets of Indian culture. Added bonus: Having all three generations cook in the same kitchen.

*Where you can go dancingNot garba-dandiya events. Unless you've sprinkled cow  urine on yourself. (Don't worry, it works like a charm and doubles up as confirmation that you're Hindu).

*What G stands for in the alphabetGanesha not Gadha. Mahesh Sharma, ace educator, is just making sure you're giving the kids the best possible education.   

*How many children you must haveAt least 5 children* (*offer only applies to Hindus, so that equilibrium can be achieved in the country).

*How you should urinateNever from a standing position. Not unless you want distressing vibrations from hell entering through your feet. But while sitting, do collect the urine and use it to water your plants.

*How to cure cancerCow urine, obvs.

*How to clean your floorsIf it's not obvious to you already, the answer is again cow urine.  

*What hairstyle you should haveShort hair only for men – how else will you keep your sperm count up? – and no wearing your hair free for women.

*What not to readPlease consult with Mr Dinananth Batra, because this list would be too long to put here. (Anyone who has returned an award to the Sahitya Akademi is, of course, an immediate no-no).

*What you should sacrificeThis one is simple: Your own sentiments, never theirs.

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